An Exercise to Release the Female Pain-Body & Sexual Shame.

In my practice as a mentor for women, I’ve helped hundreds have happier relationships, more joy, and pleasure by helping them release their female emotional pain-body.

What is the female emotional pain-body? It is a term coined by Eckhart Tolle in his book,  A New Earth. The female emotional pain-body refers to the accumulation of emotional pain stored in the body that is particular to women.

This pain is related to men, sexuality, feminine energy, and our relationship with our mothers and fathers. Much of this pain has been passed down to us in our matriarchal lineage and is stored inside our hearts, wombs, and genitals.

The pain-body sabotages happiness and relationships by causing women to:

• Be easily hurt and triggered.

• Sabotage intimate relationships with pain-body behaviors—withdrawing, passive aggression, criticizing, punishing, or emasculation.

• Attract men with heavy pain bodies, which leads to drama-filled relationships.

• Nag and complain, instead of asking for desires.

• Not enjoy sex.

• Feel resentful, bitter, disappointed, or angry.

• Lose our vibrancy and radiance.

• Allow fear and scarcity to run our lives.

• Have limits on the amount of money, love, pleasure we can receive.

The pain-body is invested in us staying stuck in pain. It does not want us to have a happy, healthy, vibrant life or relationships. The good news is this pain-body is not us.  Who we truly are, are radiant, soul-filled beings. Because it is not us, this pain-body can be released.

We certainly accumulate pain from the painful situations in our lives, but much of the pain-body you carry was transferred to you from your mother or other women.

For example, a client of mine had a lot of shame around her sexuality. She spent years and lots of money working with a sex therapist, but the shame never went away. I guided her to notice if this might be her mom’s shame. She suddenly had a memory pop up of herself at age three. She was in her room, self-pleasuring and lost in a sea of bliss, when her mom walked in, freaked out, and started yelling at her.

In this memory, my client could see the dark energy of shame that came from her mother and entered her. She saw that this dark energy entered her womb and genitals. I guided her to release this stored dark energy that did not belong to her.  She saw this energy leave and then suddenly orgasmic energy opened up in her pelvis. She said, “I feel like my womb is a treasure chest of energy.”

She was finally free of the shame that she had been carrying around for over 60 years.

Here is a simple exercise to understand and release the female pain-body:

>> Put a hand over your heart and say: I release all pain of the generations of women before me.

>> Put a hand over your womb and say: I release all pain of the generations of women before me.

>> Put a hand over your genitals and say: I release all pain of the generations of women before me.

Once our female pain-body is released, life and relationships will become so much happier.

Want Better Sex & Relationships? Heal the Mother Wound.

Do you have persistent issues in sex and relationships that no matter what you do (therapy, healing modalities) do not shift?

If so, they are most likely a result of the mother wound.

Some common mother wound sex and relationship issues include:

• Feeling shame about sex and/or your genitals

• Difficulty enjoying sex

• Feeling perpetually disappointed by men/women

• Attracting emotionally unavailable partners

• Infidelity

• Fear of being abandoned

• Feeling like a martyr/victim in your relationships

• Overly care taking

Another result of the mother wound is persistent emotional states that don’t shift. Some common mother wound emotional states that affect relationships are:

• Guilt

• Resentment

• Shame

• Blame

Most people define the mother wound as something our mother did to us. And, that is part of it, but the deeper issue with the mother wound is how we energetically merge with her.

We spend nine months in her womb, and then as children we are deeply immersed in her energetic field.

This results in us merging with her issues and emotional states, and we then carry those issues and emotional states into our own relationships.

For example, a client of mine spent all of her life feeling incredibly disappointed by men. No matter how much a man loved her or cared for her, she could never shake the feeling of being disappointed by him.

When I asked her if her mother had felt disappointed by her father, a lightbulb went off in her head. As a young child, her father lost his job and became an alcoholic. She remembered her mother often telling her how disappointed she was in her father.

So, the feeling of being disappointed by men, was a merge with mother. As we worked together to disengage her from the merge, she began to feel appreciative of the men in her life.

Another client struggled with feelings of intense shame about her genitals. I asked her if she thought her mother also felt shame about her own genitals. Suddenly, my client remembered a moment when she was about four years old, while sitting on bus, she had place her hand (over her pants) resting on her vagina.

When they got home, her mother screamed at her and told her to never put her hand down there as that was a “bad, dirty place.” So, my client merged with the shame her mother felt about genitalia. As we worked with the merge, my client began to let go of the shame.

The reason we have recurrent patterns and emotional states of being that no matter what we do, we haven’t been able to shift, is because they are not ours. They are a merge with our mother’s, and we cannot heal our mother’s issues for her.

It’s literally impossible.

You can only begin to disengage from the merge.

Here is a powerful process you can use to begin disengaging from the merge:

1) Bring to your mind a recurrent issue or perpetual emotional state that you struggle with. 

Trust whatever pops into your mind.

Take a moment to feel into that issue or emotional state. For example, if you have a fear of being abandoned, imagine something that elicits that fear and really feel into it.

If you perpetually feel resentful, imagine something that elicits the feeling of resentment.

I know this may not be comfortable, but just hang with me.

2) Now, tune into your body and locate where you feel this pattern or emotion in your body.

What does it feel like on a sensation basis? Is there tightness in your chest? Constriction in your throat?

3) Now, say this to yourself either out loud or in your mind:

“If this pattern or emotional state is not mine, I allow it to leave.”

Then notice how you feel. If you feel any sense of lightness or release, even just a little bit, it’s a pointer that the issue or emotional state does not essentially belong to you.

Mother wound work is deeply complex, and it’s absolutely necessary to work with a trained professional to experience the profound healing and transformation that is available through mother wound work.

I have helped hundreds of women heal mother wound issues and experience more pleasurable sex and relationships. I work with women across the globe via phone or Skype. Click the link the below to schedule a complimentary 15 minute chat with me.

Beyoncé’s Curse: How the Mother Wound Affects our Sex and Relationships.

In Beyoncé’s album Lemonade, she alludes to her mother being cheated on by her father as a “curse” that was passed down to her relationship with Jay Z.

The “curse” that she is referring could also be called the mother wound. The mother wound is the reason daughters repeat the relationship patterns of their mother.

Some people think the mother wound has to do with something our mother did to us, and that can be a part of it, but the deeper part is how we energetically merge with our mother.

We spend nine months in our mother’s womb, and then as energetically open children, we are immersed within the energetic field of our mother.

We are so deeply connected to her as children, that we don’t know where she ends and we begin.

Unless we had uber-conscious and aware mothers, her energetic field was most likely heavy with wounding, which means we merged with our mother’s wounding.

As we grew older, most of us were never given knowledge or tools to separate our energetic body from hers, so we continued to stay merged with her into adulthood. Because of that unconscious merge, we’ve created issues and situations in our lives that resemble our mother’s issues and life situations. One example of that is—like with Beyoncé—we often attract men that resemble our father.

In my private practice as a women’s sexuality coach, one of the first things I do with clients is take an inventory to see how many of their sex and relationship issues resemble their mothers. Inevitably, the similarities are many.

This is good news!

What this means is that many of your sex and relationships issues are not essentially yours. This is why people can be in therapy for years, and never resolve certain issues, because the issues are not essentially theirs—they are a merge with mother.

So, the work becomes about separating from the mother wound, instead of resolving issues.

One of the quickest ways to begin separating from mother, is to simply recognize the merge. The merge happened unconsciously, so bringing awareness and consciousness to the merge can begin the process of separation.

Even declaring to yourself once a day: “I am not my mother,” can start to create a powerful separation from the merge.

I’ve found the personal work I’ve done with separating from my own mother merge, and doing mother merge work with my clients, to be profound.

Together we can heal this aspect of our lives, or in Beyoncé’s words, end the curse.

Four Ways to Have Sex Like a Goddess

In my private practice as a women’s sexuality and empowerment coach, I talk to many women who tell me they feel broken sexually.

They don’t understand why they don’t want or enjoy sex like other women.

But, it’s not women who are broken—it’s our culture.

It used to be that when a girl became a woman, she underwent an initiation process where she was taught the art of sensuality and sex.

Sex was thought to be an act of worship to the Goddess.

These days, too many women feel disempowered sexually, and sex is more often thought of as a sin rather than an act of worship.

Not only were many of us not taught the art of sexuality, but we were taught sex is shameful. It’s no wonder so many of us don’t enjoy sex.

Sex is meant to open up our wild feminine nature and nourish our hearts, bodies and souls.

And because we were meant to have sex like a goddess, we must remember that a goddess:

Loves and honors her body

Today, many women hate and feel shame toward their bodies, and it’s difficult to love sex when you don’t love your body.

Long ago, the female body was revered and worshiped for its powerful ability to give life and experience transcendent pleasure. In almost all ancient goddess sculptures, fertility-centric areas of the body (the belly, butt, breasts, hips, thighs, and vagina) were exaggerated for this very reason.

So, when we hate and shame our womanly parts, we are hating and shaming the core of our feminine sensuality and power. We are shaming the Goddess. 

Uses her voice

Most women were not taught how to be sexually empowered. So in our sex lives, many of us struggle to use our voice. We don’t speak up when something doesn’t feel good and we don’t ask for what we want.

The one way we often do use our voice is inauthentic: moaning to make our partner feel like he/she is doing a good job, not because we are actually experiencing pleasure.

I know it can seem confrontational to ask for what you want sexually, but it is a must to even begin having sex like a goddess. So I encourage you to start asking.

The more you do it, the less intimidating it will become, and you’ll begin to feel more sexually empowered.

Knows how to surrender 

In our culture, surrender is often perceived as weak. But it takes tremendous courage and power to surrender.

A goddess knows that pleasure is her birthright and that she can experience the most pleasure when she is in a relaxed and surrendered state.

She lets go of needing to control, and allows her body to enter involuntary states of orgasmic bliss.

During sex, focus on breathing practices and relaxing your body.

If you normally push and pull to achieve climax, relax into these sensations instead. It’s from a relaxed state that powerful orgasms can occur.

Knows how to receive 

The feminine is the receptive energetic pole, but so many women have difficulty allowing themselves to truly receive. 

When we spend too much time giving and not enough time receiving, we are left feeling drained.

A goddess allows herself to receive sexually, because she knows this is how she replenishes and fills up. She knows that when she is full, she is a more potent force for good in the world.

If you have difficulty receiving, try this:

Soften your body as you lie on your back. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths as you soften and open your body to receive. Bring attention to your hands, imagine they are sharing energy with someone, and notice how they feel when they are in giving mode.

Now, imagine opening your hands to let in all the love, pleasure and abundance that wants to come flowing into you. Your hands are now in receiving mode.

Notice how giving versus receiving feels. The more we practice this, the more our body will learn to open up sexually.

By embracing these four steps, we will find ourselves well on our way to having sex like a goddess.

How to Feel More During Sexual Touch

Have you ever wanted someone to touch you sexually, but your body wouldn’t let you enjoy it?

I know I have.

In the past, I let lovers touch me sexually or would even have sex when I didn’t really want to. I thought that was what I needed to do to be a good girlfriend and please my partner. At the time, I had no idea of the effect unwanted touch had on my body.

Until the day my body showed me the effect.

I was lying in bed with a lover who was slowly and softly running his hands over my body. In the past I would have been in my head worrying while he was touching me–worrying about how my body looked, if I should be touching him back, or if this touch would lead to sex.

But now, after spending time doing healing work around sex, I was consciously relaxing my body, and allowing myself to be fully present to his touch.

Suddenly, my body started involuntarily shaking and tears started rolling down my face. I could feel that something in my body wanted to be released, and my mind started flashing back to every time I had let someone touch me when I didn’t want them to.

In that moment, I became very aware that every time I had allowed unwanted touch, my body had created a small layer of energetic protection from touch. And after years of allowing unwanted touch, that layer had grown thick.

I cried and shook while my lover held me, until I felt this layer of protection fully release.

Then I asked him to start touching me again.

Um. Woah.

Without this invisible layer of protection on my body, I could feel his touch in a way I had never felt touch before. I could feel his touch fully penetrating through my skin, and deep into my body, awakening every cell into vibration.

My whole body felt electrified. It was incredible.

I thought I knew what touch felt like—but until that day, I realized, I had no idea.

In my private practice as a women’s sexuality coach, many of my clients tell me they allow unwanted touch for the same reasons I did.

And, I get it. It can feel hard to be honest about not wanting touch.

And, if your sexual energy is blocked, like mine was for 20 years (I suffered from a condition that caused sex to be painful for 20 years), you may not even want sexual touch.

Many of my clients also tell me they feel numb when someone touches them. And, I get that too. I felt numb to touch for years.

But, trust me, there is an enormity of amazing sensation available to you through touch. More than you ever imagined possible.

If you feel numb to touch, or want to increase the amount and depth of sensation you feel during touch, try these steps the next time you are offered touch:

1.Breathe

Be as present as you can, and up your attention to how you are really feeling.

2. Don’t ignore it.

If you feel numb, allow yourself to feel the numbness. Breathe and relax into the numbness and see what happens. If you give your full attention to numbness, it will often shift.

3. Pay attention to the subtle sensations you feel.

Often we experience sensation but don’t have enough presence to notice. Paying attention to subtle sensations will increase them. Subtle sensations can be incredibly pleasurable when you pay attention to them.

Touch can both harm or heal. But, the good news is, (with the exception of violating touch) whether it harms or heals is up to us. It’s up to us to say no to unwanted touch, and it’s up to us to show up fully present and receptive to wanted touch.

May we all have the courage to show up for healing.

How to Wake up the Libido & Want Sex

In my private practice as a women’s sexuality coach, I work with a lot of women who struggle with low-libido and/or painful sex issues.

These are issues that I’m intimately familiar with, as I had a condition that caused painful sex, coupled with low-libido for over 20 years.

During those 20 years, I sought help from gynecologists and therapists, only to be told things like: “You just haven’t met the right person yet” or “Try some different positions.” None of this advice was helpful because it didn’t get to the root issues that were causing the pain and low-libido.

Then, about four years ago, I experienced a remarkable and quick healing around my sexuality after discovering a somatic sexuality practice called Orgasmic Meditation and using an intuitive process for repairing my sex drive. Within six weeks of starting this activity, I had completely healed the condition that was causing me pain, woke up my libido, and was having sex that was deeply pleasurable.

After 20 years of only experiencing pain during sex, I cannot express how much this shift meant to me.
I remember after the first time I climaxed while a lover was inside me, I sat up and looked at him and said:  “This is what it means to be a woman.”

I was so moved by my experience, I left a 12 year career and became women’s sexuality coach, so I could help other women have the same shift.

In my private practice, I teach all my clients the same process that I used to heal the condition that was causing pain and wake up my sex drive.

Even if we don’t experience low-libido or pain, this process will take our sexual experiences to the next level.

Our bodies are built for pleasure and if we are not experiencing pleasure during sex, following my three step process will help.

1. Stop.

Stop doing anything sexual that we don’t deeply and thoroughly enjoy. And I do mean everything.

As a woman, during sex, our body is meant to be in a relaxed and receptive state so we can bloom open. When our body blooms open, our sexual energy will begin to flow and circulate. But, when we are enduring our way through sex acts that we don’t enjoy, our body contracts instead of blooming open. When we contract, we block our sexual energy from flowing and create a memory in our body that sex is a chore instead of pleasurable. This leads to wanting sex less and less.

When we stop doing things that contract us sexually, our body can begin to relax and repair.

If we have a partner and we’ve been enduring our way through sex acts for a while without being honest that we’re not enjoying them, it can feel daunting to have this conversation.

But if our partner is worth sticking around for, he or she will want to go through this repairing process with us.

2. Heal.

Take time to do healing work around sexuality.

We live in a culture that shames and demonizes female sexuality, on top of the fact that sexual violence against women is rampant. If we haven’t experienced sexual trauma ourselves, more than likely we know women who have. Even hearing about other women who have experienced sexual violation and trauma can leave scars on our sexual psyche.

Shame, trauma and our current collective consciousness about sex creates blockages to our sexual energy. Getting professional support in moving through these issues will do wonders to unblock sexual energy.

3. Fill up.

As women, our sexual energy is meant to be both a healing salve and source of fuel for our body.

So, when we don’t have access to it, we will become burnt out and dried up internally. This is the reason many women are tired, stressed out and unhappy. They are missing a vital source of feminine fuel.

So, obviously, if we’re not enjoying sex, it’s not a way to fill up.

But, do not fear, there are other ways to fill up. My top recommendation is to start a daily somatic (body based) sexuality practice. There are a lot of practices out there, and the two I recommend and teach my private clients are Orgasmic Meditation and mindful self-pleasuring. A somatic sexuality practice is a great way to unblock our system and get that sexual energy flowing.

Once we get our sexual energy flowing and fill up our system with it, we will naturally start wanting to have sex. And, when we do start having sex again, the amount of pleasure will have dramatically increased.

Experiencing deep sexual pleasure is our birthright as women.

I know it can feel overwhelming to dive into issues around sexuality, but the pay off is worth it. Sex is meant to nourish our body, heart and soul. So, take time to repair, heal and fill up so we are receiving the nourishment our body needs.

Your body will thank you.

I’ve helped hundreds of women around the globe wake up their libido and enjoy sex a whole lot more. Working with a professional is usually necessary if you have been blocked in your sexuality for a while. Click below to schedule a chat with me to find out more.

How to Cure a Numb Vagina & Experience more Sensation during Sex

In my practice as a women’s sexuality and empowerment coach, I talk to a lot of women who experience little to no sensation inside the vagina during penetration.

They tell me they feel like something is wrong with them—like they’re broken sexually.

I tell them that are not broken, they just have a numb vagina, and it’s completely possible to re-sensitize it.

I know this from personal experience, because the inside of my vagina was numb for years.

One of the main reasons so many women have numb vaginas is that they have allowed themselves to be penetrated before they are ready or when they don’t want sex at all.

When we allow ourselves to be penetrated before we’re ready, our vagina tenses up during sex, which blocks us from feeling sensation. This tension will eventually lead to a chronic lack of sensation.

But, it’s absolutely possible to re-sensitize the vagina, and there are many ways to do so:

1. Internal Vaginal Massage.

Massaging the vaginal walls can work wonders to re-sensitize the vagina. Just like massaging any kind of muscle, massaging the muscles inside the vagina can release tension and increase blood flow, which leads to greater sensation.

You can massage your vaginal walls yourself, or ask your partner if you have one. Go slowly, and locate areas of pain or tension inside your vagina, then massage those areas with medium pressure. Make sure to breathe.

Emotions like grief or anger may arise as you massage, because many of us hold painful emotions inside us.

Allow the emotions to arise without giving in to any tendency to stuff them down. They are arising to be released.

2. Holistic Pelvic Care.

Holistic Pelvic Care was created by a woman named Tami Kent and described in her book called The Wild Feminine. 

I recommend this book to all my private clients. There are many pelvic exercises in this book that will help release tension, reconnect a woman to her pelvic-floor, and re-sensitize the vagina.

3. Re-Sensitizing Somatic Sexuality.

There are a lot of body based sexuality practices out there that can help re-sensitize the vagina.

The one I recommend to my private clients is Orgasmic Meditation.

Although this practice is focused on the clitoris, the clitoris interacts with over 15,000 nerve endings throughout the whole pelvic area. So, anything that increases sensation in the clitoris affects the entire pelvic floor region.

4. Allow yourself to be Penetrated Only When you are Ready.

This one is critical in the process of re-sensitizing the vagina. We can’t re-sensitize the vagina while simultaneously causing tension.

Most women tell me they allow themselves to be penetrated before they are ready, because they feel self-conscious they are “taking too long” to feel ready.

I get it! I used to feel the same way. But, if our partners are worth staying with, they would never want to penetrate us before we’re ready.

By ready, I mean that we want to be penetrated so badly, we’re begging for it.

If we are not at this point, then our vagina is not open, wet, and soft enough for penetration to be pleasurable.

Many women have told me that they have never felt turned-on enough, to want penetration that badly. If that describes you, that means you have blocks in your sexual energy, and going through the re-sensitizing process will help.

It might also mean that you have learned to have sex in a way that doesn’t actually work for your body. Most of us have learned to have sex in way that is masculine, instead of feminine. So, we must learn a new way to have sex that feels good to our bodies. Working with an experienced sex coach or therapist is usually necessary for both the healing process, and learning a new approach to sex.

The body is built to enjoy sex and experience a lot of sensation during penetration. If you have a numb vagina, you might not believe that now, but it’s true.

My vagina was numb for years, but now I experience intense sensation and powerful orgasms thanks to the re-sensitizing process.

Try it—your vagina will thank you!

P.S. Want to enjoy sex more? Click the link below to receive my free Masterclass.